Motherhood 101 : The Dreams In My Heart

I figured if I'm going to chronicle this journey, I might as well start with (... or at least make one of the first few entries to be about) what my dreams are. Right now, it's a given that my becoming a mom will not simply be composed of 9 belly-growing-waterbag-popping-in-the-end months. It will be longer (not to mention, costlier) than that. And... listing the things that make me giddy justifies the worthiness of it all.

I dream of having 4 kids. Why 4 kids? I like even numbers. :D I believe there's beauty in symmetry, thus the number 4. Other than the aesthetic, I think my dream of having 4 kids stems from the fact that I somehow felt left out while growing up. I'm the third in a family of 3 kids and I always thought that my feeling of being left out was because I had no one to pair up with. But, actually, looking back, I figured maybe it was more of because my sister and brother were closer in age (1 year apart) than me and my brother (7 years age gap). But, still, I dream of having 4 kids. O wants 3 kids so actually, I'm negotiable with the how many. Three or more will be more than great.

I dream of having all-boy kids. Why? As I have said to my close friends, I feel if I get a girl I won't be able to teach them the kikayan they need to survive (survive talaga?!) Kawawa naman di ba? But, other than that, I guess it's because I can communicate easily with boys eversince I was a kid. Well, that's just me. Of course, I also believe that if God blesses us with a girl, He will also give me what I need to help my little girl (communication skill, ka-kikayan, etc. :P)


I dream of naming my kids Filipino sounding names. Simply because our family name is Filipino sounding. For those who don't know, it's pronounced as bi-to-on, in 3 syllables like bi-tu-in, which is its meaning in Filipino. It's not bi-toon, so naming my kid Louis won't actually work :P We actually have a couple of names in mind already but suggestions won't hurt. 

I dream of seeing my kids play with my parents. Play... not speak to not visit and just sit around in the house but physically play and interact with them may it be kilitian, piggy back, etc. I'm not really close with my grandparents. They were already old and had too many apos by the time I was conscious about what's around to "actually care about my existence". It's not that they were not caring. There just wasn't really a chance to grow close. That's why I dream otherwise for our kids. 

I dream of being responsible for someone else's life. I think that's one extra-special with cherry on top kind of gift. Yes, it will be hard and worrisome. But caring for and loving someone without a single blatant manifestation of being loved in return is a very different story.  I believe that kind of love can only be achieved when one becomes a parent. This is passion in its purest form. And, I would forever consider it an honor to be a parent. 

I dream of the crazy fun kind of life. The type that messes around the house because we're busy running and looking after little ones all day. The type that wastes our time away with nothing significant achieved or created because we just can't help but stare at our kids. The type that fills the house with so much laughter you can't hear yourself speak. 

I dream these things for me but especially for O. Something inside me tells me he'll be a great father. Right now, these dreams may seem elusive for us but I hope and pray, sometime in a very near future, God will grant the dreams in my heart. 

I Declare

Motherhood 101: The Detour

Marriage spelled a new chapter in my life. New dreams; new plans; major decisions to come up with; a new me to unfold right before my very eyes. Yes, I somehow believed that there will be ups and downs but never imagined the magnitude of the down parts could be great that they would actually end up redirecting some of our plans. Naively, I thought, a newly married couple's bliss would be a cycle of petty fights followed by a succession of dreams coming to life one after another. I guess this was how I subconsciously spelled out happily ever after.

Two weeks after my D&C procedure for my second miscarriage, I'm realizing the down times are not simply composed of petty fights. Some down times can be large inkblots on a page they have the potential to destroy the promise of a beautiful story. I guess, if life was a book and this miscarriage is an inkblot in a page and I choose to stare on it again and again, I could conclude that the book is indeed ruined. But, I'm choosing to turn the page.

Some may think it's tragic or that we're kawawa or it's depressing that a year and a half into marriage and this is what we are encountering as we try to grow our family. I won't deny that. It would be a lot better if I could get pregnant easily and carry our baby into term and see our family grow without getting heartbroken because of these miscarriage encounters. But, the fact is, things happened otherwise, we need to accept the circumstances and move on.

Tomorrow will be another page for us. My OB says I might need some workup and she's already recommended me to a colleague specializing in infertility to work on my case. I surely never expected I would be meeting with such a doctor in my lifetime. Well, I never expected a lot of the things that happened in the past few weeks. This is certainly life-curbing... Nevertheless, tomorrow will also mark a major moving on for us. Our inkblots are already there, un-erasable and undeniable, but I have faith that the promise of a beautiful story is also there, un-erasable and undeniable.


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Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"