He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end - Ecclesiastes 3:11
There are things that happen and then, there are things that happen but we wish never happened. We wish these particular incidents never happened at all because we feel it has damaged something in us; it could be our innocence, our dream, our hope, etc. But the fact is, they have already happened and no matter how much we would like to take things back that is not an option. What we can do is to not let these things take hold of us that we end up yearning for a beautiful past while living a wretched present.
No matter how we view an event in our life remember that God is ALWAYS in control. God can turn an ugly event into something beautiful by giving it a purpose in your life. He may not necessarily reveal what the purpose is but if you just let all the negativity flow and offer it up to Him, He will use it for your betterment.
The thing is we tend to see life in terms of milestones and we often feel that if we have not attained a particular milestone, we are a failure. God is much, much, much (MUCH) wiser than us. He knows that we can only truly enjoy a particular achievement/milestone/season if we have the right attitude for it just like a lover's declaration can only be enjoyed if you think you are indeed lovable, a baby's presence can only be enjoyed if you can see beyond the stress of taking care of them 24/7 or a wad of money can only be enjoyed if you are mature enough to know what amount goes where.
Do you have something you yearn so long for? Don't lose hope. At some point, you may get frustrated to the point of broken-heartedness. When these times come, pray and believe God has made everything beautiful in its own time. And rest assured, He will surely make this one, this particular thing you are yearning for, beautiful in its own time as well. :)
10.11.2014
9.04.2014
Life's Anthem
The day You answered was the day You made this song the anthem of my life.
May I always be where You are.
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You gave it all for me
My soul desire, my everything
And all I am is devoted to You
How could I fail to see
You are the love that rescued me
And all I am is devoted to You
And oh, how could I not be moved
Lord here with You
So have Your way in me
Cause Lord, there is just one thing
That I will seek
This is my cry
My one desire
Is to be where You are, Lord
Now and forever
Its more than a song
My one desire
Is to be with You
Is to be with You, Jesus
The one thing, the one thing I ask is to be with You
My soul desire, my everything
And all I am is devoted to You
How could I fail to see
You are the love that rescued me
And all I am is devoted to You
And oh, how could I not be moved
Lord here with You
So have Your way in me
Cause Lord, there is just one thing
That I will seek
This is my cry
My one desire
Is to be where You are, Lord
Now and forever
Its more than a song
My one desire
Is to be with You
Is to be with You, Jesus
The one thing, the one thing I ask is to be with You
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One Desire by Hillsong
8.06.2014
Motherhood 101: My "Infertility" Story
Whenever friends and family hear what happened to me, they either end up doing 2 things: asking me why or offering possible scenarios why. I believe both spring from their concern for me but my story is not as simple as everyone would like to think just as getting pregnant is not as simple as having a sperm and an egg meeting each other.
Twice I got pregnant and twice I miscarried. In both cases, a heartbeat was seen during my first ultrasound. The first time I found out I was pregnant, I was already in my 6 weeks. At the 8th week, I started bleeding and that’s when we found out that our baby grew up to only 6 weeks and 5 days. The second time I found out I was pregnant, I had an ultrasound at my 7th week. Then, on a routine checkup at my baby’s would-be 13th week, we found out our baby only reached 9 weeks.
My case is a case of recurrent miscarriage. But it is not something that can be prevented by extreme bed rest. You see, fetal death occurred first way before I miscarried. And, a case of recurrent miscarriage is better handled by an OB GYN specializing in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI).
My REI doctor is a good friend of my OB GYN. She practices at St. Luke’s but her consultation fee is relatively cheap compared to other REI doctors. ( If you want to know details about her, leave a message and I’ll give her details ;) ). Our first consultation with her was more about a discussion of the possible causes. She wanted to educate us about what’s happening. And right now, I just want to share what I learned from her.
A miscarriage or a recurrent miscarriage can be caused by any of the factors below. These possible factors make the treatment of recurrent miscarriage quite hard, not to mention, expensive.
Anatomy – The walls of a uterus is supposed to be smooth. This is where a fertilized egg attaches itself and starts to draw blood from the mother so that it will be able to grow. However, sometimes a uterine wall may have polyps, adhesions and/or myoma. When a fertilized egg attaches itself to a polyp or adhesion, the supply of blood may become inadequate after a certain time specially because a growing baby will have growing needs. This inadequacy may result to fetal death.
Metabolic – Metabolic problems are problems such as diabetes or thyroid disorder. Now, I don’t know much about how this may cause fetal death but here’s what I know. About 15% of miscarriages can be accounted to this problem.
Genetic – An egg and a sperm both contain genetic codes that would direct how a fertilized egg will grow to be a human being. If there is a genetic abnormality in either egg or sperm, full development is not ensured.
Infection – There are some diseases that, when one is exposed to while pregnant, may cause miscarriage. This diseases are toxoplasmosis, rubella (measles), cmv and herpes.
Immunological – A pregnant woman’s immune system should be able to recognize the baby as part of her body. If a woman’s immune system is malfunctioning, her immune system will “attack” the baby in that the blood in the connection of the mother and the baby will clot. This will cut off the supply of blood the baby needs from the mother and may also cause fetal death.
Environmental – Certain stuff found in a mother’s environment (working environment, living environment, etc.) may be harmful to her and her baby. If exposed to certain chemicals or substances, this may also cause miscarriage.
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With these possible causes, don’t you just realize how complicated getting pregnant is? Kaya sinasabi talaga ng iba, pag sayo, sayo, pag hindi, hindi. After our first consultation, our REI ordered as many tests as she can to rule out as many possible reasons as we can. But, more on the procedures and tests I had next time. This is way too much already.
6.19.2014
Motherhood 101 : The Dreams In My Heart
I figured if I'm going to chronicle this journey, I might as well start with (... or at least make one of the first few entries to be about) what my dreams are. Right now, it's a given that my becoming a mom will not simply be composed of 9 belly-growing-waterbag-popping-in-the-end months. It will be longer (not to mention, costlier) than that. And... listing the things that make me giddy justifies the worthiness of it all.
I dream of having 4 kids. Why 4 kids? I like even numbers. :D I believe there's beauty in symmetry, thus the number 4. Other than the aesthetic, I think my dream of having 4 kids stems from the fact that I somehow felt left out while growing up. I'm the third in a family of 3 kids and I always thought that my feeling of being left out was because I had no one to pair up with. But, actually, looking back, I figured maybe it was more of because my sister and brother were closer in age (1 year apart) than me and my brother (7 years age gap). But, still, I dream of having 4 kids. O wants 3 kids so actually, I'm negotiable with the how many. Three or more will be more than great.
I dream of having all-boy kids. Why? As I have said to my close friends, I feel if I get a girl I won't be able to teach them the kikayan they need to survive (survive talaga?!) Kawawa naman di ba? But, other than that, I guess it's because I can communicate easily with boys eversince I was a kid. Well, that's just me. Of course, I also believe that if God blesses us with a girl, He will also give me what I need to help my little girl (communication skill, ka-kikayan, etc. :P)
I dream of naming my kids Filipino sounding names. Simply because our family name is Filipino sounding. For those who don't know, it's pronounced as bi-to-on, in 3 syllables like bi-tu-in, which is its meaning in Filipino. It's not bi-toon, so naming my kid Louis won't actually work :P We actually have a couple of names in mind already but suggestions won't hurt.
I dream of seeing my kids play with my parents. Play... not speak to not visit and just sit around in the house but physically play and interact with them may it be kilitian, piggy back, etc. I'm not really close with my grandparents. They were already old and had too many apos by the time I was conscious about what's around to "actually care about my existence". It's not that they were not caring. There just wasn't really a chance to grow close. That's why I dream otherwise for our kids.
I dream of being responsible for someone else's life. I think that's one extra-special with cherry on top kind of gift. Yes, it will be hard and worrisome. But caring for and loving someone without a single blatant manifestation of being loved in return is a very different story. I believe that kind of love can only be achieved when one becomes a parent. This is passion in its purest form. And, I would forever consider it an honor to be a parent.
I dream of the crazy fun kind of life. The type that messes around the house because we're busy running and looking after little ones all day. The type that wastes our time away with nothing significant achieved or created because we just can't help but stare at our kids. The type that fills the house with so much laughter you can't hear yourself speak.
I dream these things for me but especially for O. Something inside me tells me he'll be a great father. Right now, these dreams may seem elusive for us but I hope and pray, sometime in a very near future, God will grant the dreams in my heart.
I dream of having 4 kids. Why 4 kids? I like even numbers. :D I believe there's beauty in symmetry, thus the number 4. Other than the aesthetic, I think my dream of having 4 kids stems from the fact that I somehow felt left out while growing up. I'm the third in a family of 3 kids and I always thought that my feeling of being left out was because I had no one to pair up with. But, actually, looking back, I figured maybe it was more of because my sister and brother were closer in age (1 year apart) than me and my brother (7 years age gap). But, still, I dream of having 4 kids. O wants 3 kids so actually, I'm negotiable with the how many. Three or more will be more than great.
I dream of having all-boy kids. Why? As I have said to my close friends, I feel if I get a girl I won't be able to teach them the kikayan they need to survive (survive talaga?!) Kawawa naman di ba? But, other than that, I guess it's because I can communicate easily with boys eversince I was a kid. Well, that's just me. Of course, I also believe that if God blesses us with a girl, He will also give me what I need to help my little girl (communication skill, ka-kikayan, etc. :P)
I dream of naming my kids Filipino sounding names. Simply because our family name is Filipino sounding. For those who don't know, it's pronounced as bi-to-on, in 3 syllables like bi-tu-in, which is its meaning in Filipino. It's not bi-toon, so naming my kid Louis won't actually work :P We actually have a couple of names in mind already but suggestions won't hurt.
I dream of seeing my kids play with my parents. Play... not speak to not visit and just sit around in the house but physically play and interact with them may it be kilitian, piggy back, etc. I'm not really close with my grandparents. They were already old and had too many apos by the time I was conscious about what's around to "actually care about my existence". It's not that they were not caring. There just wasn't really a chance to grow close. That's why I dream otherwise for our kids.
I dream of being responsible for someone else's life. I think that's one extra-special with cherry on top kind of gift. Yes, it will be hard and worrisome. But caring for and loving someone without a single blatant manifestation of being loved in return is a very different story. I believe that kind of love can only be achieved when one becomes a parent. This is passion in its purest form. And, I would forever consider it an honor to be a parent.
I dream of the crazy fun kind of life. The type that messes around the house because we're busy running and looking after little ones all day. The type that wastes our time away with nothing significant achieved or created because we just can't help but stare at our kids. The type that fills the house with so much laughter you can't hear yourself speak.
I dream these things for me but especially for O. Something inside me tells me he'll be a great father. Right now, these dreams may seem elusive for us but I hope and pray, sometime in a very near future, God will grant the dreams in my heart.
6.18.2014
6.16.2014
Motherhood 101: The Detour
Marriage spelled a new chapter in my life. New dreams; new plans; major decisions to come up with; a new me to unfold right before my very eyes. Yes, I somehow believed that there will be ups and downs but never imagined the magnitude of the down parts could be great that they would actually end up redirecting some of our plans. Naively, I thought, a newly married couple's bliss would be a cycle of petty fights followed by a succession of dreams coming to life one after another. I guess this was how I subconsciously spelled out happily ever after.
Two weeks after my D&C procedure for my second miscarriage, I'm realizing the down times are not simply composed of petty fights. Some down times can be large inkblots on a page they have the potential to destroy the promise of a beautiful story. I guess, if life was a book and this miscarriage is an inkblot in a page and I choose to stare on it again and again, I could conclude that the book is indeed ruined. But, I'm choosing to turn the page.
Some may think it's tragic or that we're kawawa or it's depressing that a year and a half into marriage and this is what we are encountering as we try to grow our family. I won't deny that. It would be a lot better if I could get pregnant easily and carry our baby into term and see our family grow without getting heartbroken because of these miscarriage encounters. But, the fact is, things happened otherwise, we need to accept the circumstances and move on.
Tomorrow will be another page for us. My OB says I might need some workup and she's already recommended me to a colleague specializing in infertility to work on my case. I surely never expected I would be meeting with such a doctor in my lifetime. Well, I never expected a lot of the things that happened in the past few weeks. This is certainly life-curbing... Nevertheless, tomorrow will also mark a major moving on for us. Our inkblots are already there, un-erasable and undeniable, but I have faith that the promise of a beautiful story is also there, un-erasable and undeniable.
==========================================
Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
Two weeks after my D&C procedure for my second miscarriage, I'm realizing the down times are not simply composed of petty fights. Some down times can be large inkblots on a page they have the potential to destroy the promise of a beautiful story. I guess, if life was a book and this miscarriage is an inkblot in a page and I choose to stare on it again and again, I could conclude that the book is indeed ruined. But, I'm choosing to turn the page.
Some may think it's tragic or that we're kawawa or it's depressing that a year and a half into marriage and this is what we are encountering as we try to grow our family. I won't deny that. It would be a lot better if I could get pregnant easily and carry our baby into term and see our family grow without getting heartbroken because of these miscarriage encounters. But, the fact is, things happened otherwise, we need to accept the circumstances and move on.
Tomorrow will be another page for us. My OB says I might need some workup and she's already recommended me to a colleague specializing in infertility to work on my case. I surely never expected I would be meeting with such a doctor in my lifetime. Well, I never expected a lot of the things that happened in the past few weeks. This is certainly life-curbing... Nevertheless, tomorrow will also mark a major moving on for us. Our inkblots are already there, un-erasable and undeniable, but I have faith that the promise of a beautiful story is also there, un-erasable and undeniable.
==========================================
Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
5.26.2014
When You Lose a Part of You
I've shared this already in FB. In a time when it all hurts, this video spoke of why we can always proclaim that God is good all the time. Yes, everything is a testimony but never lower the theology of God to fit the theology of your experiences.
God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!
God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!
2.10.2014
Matanda Ka Na Nga
After browsing some UP fair ads (O wanted to watch and we wanted to check out the performing bands), this is what I realized… Matanda na nga ako.
UP Fair tickets now cost 120. During my time, it just costs 50, Feb 14 sometimes cost more, about 80. Also, at around 530pm, you’d see long queues at the gates for ticket sales, that is, if you don’t know someone from the hosting org/frat. But, the ads I saw clearly indicated that tickets are sold at SM ticket outlets. Sosyal. :D
1.22.2014
A Note To Self
“Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God” – Psalm 42:11
The prescription to a discouraged soul is casting everything that your heart feels to God and choosing to praise Him amidst what you are feeling. Your emotions may feel real right now but they should not redirect your future. Cry if you must but do not engage in self-pity. Shout if you must but do not hold on to the anger. Rest if you must but do not be content with inaction. The important thing is that your source of joy remains to be the God who has saved you over and over again.
1.12.2014
Let's Go 2014
What are you hoping for this 2014? I'm sure we have something we're looking forward to this year and to help you have a more positive outlook, allow me to share these 3 verses God gave me during last week's PnF:
The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established. - Proverbs 16:1-3
.. and this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. - 1John5:14-15
Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass - Psalm 37:4-5
God is NO genie who will grant your every wish but for hearts who are sincere in loving, seeking and worshipping Him, He is more than willing to bless you beyond your imagination. And this is why it is my sincere hope that everyone will come to know and have the right kind of faith and relationship with God.
What are you hoping for this 2014? Whatever it is, I pray you put your hope in the one and true living God.
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