Thrive

Been fighting things that I can't see
Like voices coming from the inside of me andLike doing things I find hard to believe inAm I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or soChecking for a pulse but I just don't knowAm I a man when I feel like a ghost?The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alrightI know that I'm not rightA steering wheel don't mean you can driveA warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alrightI know that I'm not rightFeel like I travel but I never arriveI wanna thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singingBut lately I haven't been hearing a thing andI get the feeling that I'm in betweenA machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it showBut deep down inside me I just don't knowAm I a man when I feel like a hoax?The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alrightI know that I'm not rightA steering wheel don't mean you can driveA warm body don't mean I'm alive

No, I'm not alrightI know that I'm not rightFeel like I travel but I never arriveI wanna thrive not just survive

I'm always close, but I'm never enoughI'm always in line, but I'm never in loveI get so down, but I won't give upI get so down, but I won't give upI get so down, but I won; t give up

Been fighting things that I can't seeLike voices coming from the inside of me andLike doing things I find hard to believe inAm I myself or am I dreaming?
Am I myself or am I dreaming?Am I myself or am I dreaming?

Praise Him

See the Lord’s goodness

No matter the situation

His love surrounds me

For that, I’ll praise Him

Bask in God’s faithfulness

No matter the season

His grace sustains me

For that, I’ll praise Him

I’ll praise Him in the morning

I’ll praise Him in the evening

All day long, I’ll praise Him

He is Yahweh, the same

Yesterday, today and forever

For that, let us praise Him

Motherhood 101: My Immunological Issue

My consultation with my immunological doctor proved to be productive. Aside from informing me of the different roles our immunity plays when getting pregnant, my latest lab tests have been able to identify the main culprit. For that fact, all praises to God for He is always on - time. 

If you are someone having unexplained infertility, curious about immunity in relation to pregnancy or quite a bio geek like me, allow me to share what I learned. As my immunological doctor discussed, there are 5 possible reasons why someone may not be getting pregnant.

The first one is a problem with recognition. The normal course of things is that when there is a foreign invader in our body - bacteria, virus, foreign body part (e.g. transplant) - our body will attack them via our immune system. If you think about it, being pregnant is having a foreign invader inside you, as the baby is another human being. But, the special design is that when a woman gets pregnant, her immune system receives signals from the tiny fetus, most are hormonal but some are genetic in nature. With these signals, the woman's immune system creates protective blocking antibodies that will coat the baby's cells to protect the fetus from the mother's killer cells. That antibody is called the leukocyte antibody. More of that discussion can be found in http://www.sharedjourney.com/define/lad.html.

The second and third possible reason has something to do with support - you have gotten pregnant but the pregnancy doesn't continue. 

The second one is what is called the Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APAS), which I have already mentioned in my previous posts. The antiphospholipid antibody is a naturally occurring protein in our body but that mistake cells in our bodies as invaders. They attack by binding to a cell’s membrane making them sticky which causes improper blood flow and can contribute to the formation of blood clots. This can therefore compromise the connection of the mother and child, cutting off the fetus from oxygen and nutrients it needs to grow. APAS however is not only for women with fertility problems. As it is, it is an autoimmune disorder. 

The third one, which is also for support, is called the Antinuclear Antibody (ANA).  These antibodies exist to attack nuclei, the brain center, of invading cells keeping us healthy. But, sometimes, our bodies can mistake its own cells as invaders. ANA, therefore, attack the nuclei of normal cells. Read on http://www.sharedjourney.com/define/ana.html to know more.

The fourth one is the antisperm antibody. Having this antibody simply says that a woman is allergic to her partner’s sperm. How and why that happens is a different league altogether. When a woman is allergic, the sperm’s motility is affected and may also be unable to gain entrance to the egg cell.

The last one has something to do with the natural killer cells (NK cells) in our body.  NK cells are the body’s early response to usual infections. Every organ has NK cells to protect it with the womb having the most. If NK cells in a woman’s body are higher than usual or they are aggressive than usual, they may end up attacking the pregnancy rather than protecting it.

My case is mainly caused by my lack of leukocyte antibodies. Although, as I have also mentioned before, one of the parameters of my APAS test was borderline so my doctor is treating me as an APAS patient as well. As treatment for my APAS, I need to drink aspilet nightly even before I get pregnant.

On the other hand, the treatment for my lack of leukocyte antibodies is to undergo lymphocyte immunization therapy (LIT). LIT starts with blood extraction from a donor. The white blood cells from this blood will be separated which will then be injected under my skin – sort of how a vaccine works. I was prescribed 4 sessions of LIT to get the level of my leukocyte antibodies to the desired value.

We haven’t started on my LIT sessions yet but we plan to start this coming month. I thank God He has already provided us with blood donors among friends and we just need to have them screened off certain diseases before we bring them in the clinic. We're also just clearing ourselves of unnecessary stress before we do start. Work, particularly mine, hasn't been friendly this couple of weeks. But, thankfully, that's over. Now, we're really just depending on God for what we're going to go through. Our prayers are for the sessions to be effective and for provision.

Fight the Good Fight (of Faith) this Elections

It’s less than a month before the presidential elections and social media is on a frenzy. Everyone has their stand on all these national, moral and social issues and almost everyone are over enthusiastic to share their sentiments over FB. Who can blame them? It’s the one time where we feel we are given the right (and responsibility) to do something for our country that will directly affect it so I guess, the season is bringing out this zeal from everyone.

Sadly, the discussions in social media have taken quite a detour from the intellectual. I guess it’s safe to say that, lately, all of our FB feeds has had posts insulting (and name calling) the candidates, judging the supporter’s of a candidate, criticizing other people’s choices, questioning the morality of others and other disheartening matters. DISCLAIMER: This is not what I want to post about but I can’t help but write… Isn’t it ironic that in our quest for a better Philippines we have focused at the worst in and showed our worst to others?

Admittedly, this election, out of all the ones I have participated in, has the most disappointing roster. Ever since November last year, I knew I was going to take a long time in deciding who to vote for as I have my reservations with each presidential candidate. That is why, I prayed to God for wisdom as well as tried researching each candidate’s platform so that I will be able to make a decision I will be able to live with.

I already have a candidate I am voting for but, unlike others that have made a choice, I honestly don’t mind if the one I voted for doesn’t win and another candidate does. More than a fight for a better Philippines, I view this election as a fight of faith – the good fight of faith.

Firstly, it takes a great leap of faith in deciding who to vote for. We can analyze each candidate’s platform and character over and over again but really, there’s no perfect candidate and no guarantees on what one will be able to do during his or her term. Proverbs states that, “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” (16:9). The promises these candidates make are approximations of a future we’re not sure will happen. In reality, all we have is a vision for this country and we vote for the candidate we feel shares (or represents ?) that vision with no guarantees that that vision will come to pass.

Also, it takes faith to participate in this election. Truthfully speaking, we all acknowledge the possibility of cheating and vote buying that we sometimes joke about it nonchalantly. There are people in my circle that has become jaded with the whole election process that they have decided not to vote. But for those who keep on participating, the decision is because we have this faith that the voice of the people will not be muffled by the resources of one candidate or group, that the election process really works.

It takes faith as well to see that we, as a nation, are composed of individuals with a sound mind who have come at their conviction through critical thinking. Doing so will save this country from going down the drain as we refrain from tearing each other apart simply because we disagree. Having faith enables us to defend our stand rationally, not resorting to judging and mudslinging.  

But most of all, it takes deep faith to submit ourselves to the will of God – that is, to submit ourselves to the authority God will establish. I have seen people passionately criticize other candidates that it seems to me they would rather die than be under that particular candidate’s rule. The Bible says in Romans 13:1, “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.” If you’re a Christian, what then does this verse mean to you? But, in a more practical manner, what are you planning to do when the candidate you dislike wins? Are you going to jump ship and leave this country to the dogs and ignore this passion that made you participate in this election in the first place? Or will you respectfully submit to the governing body, commending them for their good projects and voicing out reason against their bad decisions?

We all dream of a better Philippines, or at the simplest level, a better life. A lot of the people I know are sick of what’s happening to the Philippines and I believe, that’s a good thing. As more and more people become aware of the true state of our society, I see more and more people willing to act for the betterment of this country – whether it be by praying for this nation or gaining technological/theoretical knowledge to advance the country or educating others or standing up for what’s just and right. And, through all these things that are happening, I am reassured that God has a plan for the Philippines – plans that will all give us a hope and a future.

Book Recommendation: Vanishing Grace by Philip Yancey

I have read many Philip Yancey books, all of which spoke to me strongly during various seasons of my life. This book, however, not only did that but also sealed him as my favorite Christian writer.

I don't do reviews, I'm not equipped to bring justice to whatever it is I read, good or bad. But, this book called out the way the Christians' message of grace is being carried out at present in a very gracious manner that, I feel, is where the power of this book lies. The way it was written showed that Yancey practices what he preaches.

I have always been fascinated about the topic of grace. Whenever I share it to others, I always tell people that I see my 'experience and knowledge' about grace as just the tip of the iceberg and there is much more I haven't seen hidden under the water. But, this book is simply not about grace. It is about how we, as Christians, have muddled the message of grace along the way. In this book, Yancey calls everyone to reflect on how we personally carry the message of grace by addressing the fact that "... many people do not hear our message as good news".

Anyway, I do not wish to write a pitch about this book. I really just want to celebrate such a great book by writing about it. But, if ever you see it in a bookstore, I suggest you pick it up. It's not the lightest of read because every chapter will bring you to a reflection about yourself but reading it will give you a lot of learnings, written and not, to a point it's life changing.

Motherhood 101: The Saga Continues...

We’ve already crossed that 1 year and a half of waiting to be pregnant and we’re still not. I originally wanted to chronicle this journey of mine to educate and share my experiences to others but failed to do so as life happened. See, I’m not really a writer so in order to write I need to sit down, focus and be consumed by an urge to write something.

Before I continue, allow me to say that this journey is a battle and not an easy one. I’ve had my share of not-so-proud-of-myself self-pity moments as well as the crazy cry-one-day-laugh-the-next moments. This story has tested my limits physically, mentally and most especially, spiritually. And, as I write, I know I am still being tested each day but, in all this, God has showed me He is and forever will remain sovereign.

In my last entry about this I listed the possible causes of recurrent miscarriage. Ever since that time, I underwent a number of tests that thankfully, all turned out to be negative but one that gave borderline results. This test is my APAS lab test. 

In keeping with an informative format of sharing my story, allow me to define APAS. APAS or Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome is “a group of clinical manifestations associated with the presence of high levels of antiphospholipid antibodies in the blood … associated with recurrent thromboses (formation of blood clots) in the venous or arterial circulation” (www.myvmc.com/diseases/antiphospholipid-antibody-syndrome-apas). This means that it is possible (because of my borderline results) that when an embryo attaches itself to my uterine wall to get nutrients delivered by my blood, that connection could clot and thereby, cut off the oxygen and nutrients needed by the embryo to grow.

With my lab results, my doctor’s recommendation is to take aspirin, a blood thinner, once I get pregnant. However, after more than a year and a half wait, my REI doctor is recommending additional procedures and one of which is to check with an immunological doctor. The reason being is that one’s immunity can affect pregnancy before, during and after it happens, the details of which merits a totally different entry. However, if you want to be informed, I recommend visiting www.natural-fertility-info.com/immune-infertility.html.

We’ve already consulted with an immunological doctor and have begun the second phase of this journey. I’m not sure how long this will last but something inside me tells me we’re down to our last stretch. Ofcourse, the outcome of all this I am absolutely certain I want to go in one direction but, I know, whatever the outcome will be is all under God’s will. Still I pray, and invite you to pray with me, that I will be able to write about better days and answered prayers soon.     

God of Hope

Don't need the answers or know it all

'Cause You're the compass for my wandering heart